My Journey
I was born an atheist, a Marxist, during the Culture Revolution in China in the 60’s. I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s when China opened up its door for technological advancement and economic growth. As a result, I was indoctrinated with a. God does not exist; b. the world can be explained away with math, science and rationalism; c. the goal of life is to achieve success and happiness, which is identified with material wealth, fame and power, etc.
My paternal family followed a Buddhist tradition. Under draconian oppression and persecution on religious beliefs in communist China, my grandfather secretly remained a devout practicing Buddhist, though never publicly owning it. I was later exposed to Christianity during college in China. I came to the U.S. in the late 80’s to flee authoritarian oppression and to seek freedom and a better life. I was then inundated with Christian proselytizing approaches.
I am a curious person, always wanting to know and always asking why. Without knowing it, faith and spirituality has always been the most important part in me. From hind sight, I guess the longing for God was sowed in me the moment I was born. During my late teens and early twenties, I came to doubt if God really doesn’t exist, because all the science and math I learnt couldn’t completely explain the world. Besides, I always felt an emptiness in me that cannot be filled with anything in this world. I had never been truly happy and carefree, and even if I had happiness momentarily, it fled away instantaneously. Death and the more dreadful nihilism always lurked in the back of my mind. I wanted God to exist to give me comfort in my inner most heart, but I couldn’t convince myself to believe it. I cannot accept faith on its face value. It is too sacred to me. I cannot pretend it, fake it or force it. It has to come to my heart by itself. As it turns out, it was abiding its time before it dawned on me. I started searching. But the prevailing western beliefs, mainly Christianity, cannot explain my questions in a way satisfactory to me. In fact, Bible, full of contradictions and ambiguities, resorts more to exhortations and admonitions, instead of reasoning and logic. It is more like a children’s bedtime story book to me. It didn’t even pass my smell test, because I am extremely skeptical and critical in nature and deeply entrenched in scientific and logical thinking. I became an agnostic instead.
In late 90’s, a colleague gave me a little book comparing different belief systems of the east and west, in the hope that I can see Christianity as the most superior belief system, and hence convert to it. It didn’t change my view on Christianity, but Buddhism caught my attention. I used to sneer at my grandpa’s Buddhist practice as superstitious and stupid, but never really bothered to learn its true teaching and philosophy. With the brief introduction of Buddhism in the little book, I became hooked up with its philosophy and teaching. To me, Buddhism makes more sense. It resonates with logical and philosophical thinking, it has something in common with science, and hence it appeals to intellectual minds. Another event also prompted me in this direction. My brother suffered compulsive thinking starting in his late teens. This caused great grief and disruption in our family for many decades, as we witnessed his gifts and talents wasted and his great expectation dashed. In the late 90’s, he eventually came out of the shadow of his own thoughts through his encountering Buddhism while studying in Australia, where he met a great Buddhist monk.
Thus from late 90’s, I embarked upon searching for truth/God via the vehicle of Buddhism. It was not an easy journey for someone like me, who has been well established in the materialist way of thinking, highly skeptical, critical, empirical, logical, scientific and left brained. It would take the next 15 years for me to arrive at the break-through. The enlightenment came gradually, but several concurrent events precipitated it. First event is my brother, whose “waste” or “failure” in life devastated me tremendously. Second, my best friend from childhood committed suicide due to schizophrenia in 2011. Like my brother, she was very intelligent, very kind, full of promise and potential. It was a blow and shock to see her go like this. Thirdly and most significantly, my beloved first-born son descended in a downward spiral into some unfathomable dark abyss at the onset of his adolescence. This event finally shattered my established view of life and brought me to the brink of life and death. Moverover, on top of all these turmoil and sorrow, I was experiencing a myriad of difficulties in life, including familial, marital, work, etc. Life itself forced me to search for an answer with an unprecedented urgency.
Man never needs God when he is enjoying life and success. But man in suffering and distress ultimately turns to the creator for answer and comfort. He is like a little child getting bullied and beaten on the playground. He needs to run home to his mother/father for protection and consolation. We are orphaned children sent to the wildness to make out on our own, without knowing where we come from, who our true parent (creator) is, why we are here, and whence we go thereafter. Ultimately, everyone is confronted with the same question: what’s the point in life? That is: what’s the purpose and meaning in life? Without resolving this most fundamental issue, one cannot be truly happy and free. Vice versa, if this question is answered, man can endure any hardship with an enduring smile.
To begin with, one thing for sure is that we human, our world and the whole universe cannot be the result of pure random chances. Firstly, the stars and galaxies move according to some marvelously precise mathematical rules, and the universe obeys some fundamental law of physics. Secondly, ever since its creation, human has had an unquenchable thirst and deep seated longing for a higher order. As Emanuel Kant said, the stars above us in the sky and the conscience deep inside us make us wonder. This points to a divine design.
Next, I came to doubt my presumption that we are here to enjoy life and we are entitled to all the things we desire, because in reality, no one is exempt from pain, suffering and disillusion (sounds familiar? Buddha said the same thing 2.7 thousands years ago). Furthermore, even though human societies have been evolving for the last 4-5 thousands of years, and we have tried all kinds of institutions and governmental/societal forms, such as tribalism, feudalism, capitalism, socialism, communism, monarchism, authoritarianism, democracy, dictatorship, theocracy, etc., etc., in the end, nothing works well. In fact, we are still faced with the possibility of total annihilating war, not unlike 70 or 100 years ago when the world witnessed WWI and WWII. That can only lead to one conclusion: we are not here to indulge and be pampered. But we are not here merely to suffer either, because we do experience happiness from time to time. It is more plausible that we are here to experience our existence, to learn from challenges, and to grow and mature from trials and ordeals (later I found sages over the ages taught us the same thing).
But where does our suffering and agony come from? When I rip open the surface and look deep down, I find it is our own ego, our very sense of self which separates us from the others and the rest of the world, is causing our suffering. We define ourselves, our very sense of existence, as “me”, verse “not me”. We regard our happiness as being able to achieve, or to obtain something for ourselves, as opposed to others. Our frustration and dissatisfaction arise when we perceive we don’t get what we want, as contrasted with the fact that the others get that instead. What if we let go our ego? Then we will be happy whether we get what we want or whether others get what they want (All religions teach exactly that).
I then realized that happiness cannot come from without, but from within. No matter how much wealth, fame and power we accumulate, the instant we get it, the moment satisfaction is gone. At best, it will only last a finite length of time, and we are after more of it, because we become unhappy and unsatisfactory again. Besides, if that is what we are pursuing, then we are at the mercy of some outside force totally beyond our control, and would inevitably come to face disillusion and devastation. The only thing within our control is our own mindset, and true happiness can only come from there. Another realization is that everyone wants to get recognition and affection from others, either from parents, children, siblings, other family members, friends, colleagues, or society at large, but there is no guarantee he will get it, as again, it is outside his control. Without fellow human being’s emotional support, we are inevitably sad and lost – an evidence that we are inter-connected by something. The unfailing love and emotional support can only come from a higher power, a power deep inside us that no one can take away, a power that depends on no one by one’s own soul. That is our spirituality. (BTW, since you are in control of your own love, please give, instead of waiting to receive.)
With these reflection and realization, I started studying. I began with philosophy. I studied such philosophers as Spinoza, Descartes, Rousseau, Voltaire, Kant, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Floyd, Jung, Sartre, etc., etc. The problem with modern western philosophy is its denial or ambivalence toward the first cause, or God, of the universe, without which any theory or speculation is incomplete and unsatisfactory. Moreover, philosophy doesn’t address man’s deepest emotional or spiritual need.
I also delved into all sorts of religions, such as Vedic/Indic, Zoroastrian, Islam, Judaism/Christian, Neoplatonism, Kabala, Gnostic, Taoism, Theosophy, New Age, Esotericism, shamanism, etc., etc. Surprisingly, under the seemingly diverse traditions and doctrines, there is a common thread among all the religions that points to the same first cause of the universe, the ONE GOD who made the universe we live in. That not only completes the explanation of the universe, the nature and man, it also plugs the hole in our heart.
Logically, it all makes sense and the argument is complete, but as a person of science, I cannot be fully convinced without empirical evidence, as the argument, however convincing, only remains at a hypothetical theoretical level. It is beyond the experience of us human with five physical senses living in this earthly world. The final break-through came about one year ago. The news of gravitational wave proposed by Einstein 100 years ago finally been detected by scientists caused a huge sensation around the world. As I searched the news online and read related materials about relativity, dark matter, quantum entanglement, big bang theory, string theory, multiverse/parallel universes theory etc., I suddenly realized all these scientific theories and discoveries are nothing new, but are the same things Buddhist and Vedic scriptures talk about from thousands of years ago.
Then one thing happened after another. I stumbled upon near death experience and reincarnation cases on the YouTube. There are thousands and thousands of testimonies on the internet from all kinds of people having personally experienced the spiritual world and God all over the world, with surprisingly similar stories. As a person who only believes in reasoning and logic and is trained in empirical research and scientific experiments from an early age, I can no longer turn a blind eye to a mountain of evidence but to accept the fact that there is a spiritual world beyond our visible physical world, that our consciousness survives our physical death, and consequently, there is life after death. This inevitably implies our soul is immortal, and that there is God!
This discovery and realization is earth shattering and totally liberating! This is the biggest and best thing happening to me in my life, more than the birth of my children! At last, all my worries, anxieties, doubts and misery are put to rest! Peace, love and joy come to my heart for the first time in my life.
Oh Lord, it is through thy grace that I come to find thee. May we return to thee after this journey, our true mother and father, our creator and master!
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti!!!
My Understanding
Religions are only vehicles or different paths leading toward the one and same God. One picks the most suitable path or takes the most convenient vehicle for him. There is no right or wrong, good or bad religion, just different choices, because God is so wise and so kind as to let us choose for ourselves. Spiritual journey is the ultimate personal journey! Once you find God, you don’t need religion, just as Ludwig Wittgenstein once said about language: once you climb to the top of the roof, you don’t need the ladder and you can kick it away. God is bigger than religion! (All the religious squabbles and conflicts and wars are such a waste and nonsense!) You can also find God without any religion. With that being said about religion, churches, temples, mosques, synagogues are even less important. After all, they are all human institutions and human interpretations, and are thus bound to errors and even intentional distortions. The best way to communicate with God is the direct personal way, our heart being our temple, our intuition/insight/conscience being our bible.
Christianity and Islam (especially) are simplified versions for the masses (except their mystical traditions). They leave out all the esoteric parts but employ a lot of fables, parables, allegories that are easy to understand. That’s why they are the most widespread (aided with persuasive or forcible proselytizing). They are good devotional paths. Vedic/Indic religions, which also have their devotional traditions, are good philosophical paths. They contain a lot of high knowledge and are suitable for intellectual and logical minds, such as scientists and academicians. However, they are esoteric and non-proselytizing and thus not as widespread. The third path is experiential, through yoga-meditation (Buddha) that directly connects with the divine. This is the hardest path which only a few people tread. However, a lot of people have direct spiritual experience through near death experience, mediumship (Mohammed, Joseph Smith), deep hypnosis, hallucinogen, or simply spontaneity (Swedenborg).
Nature of God and Nature of Man
God is the ultimate reality and the first cause of every effect. God is the all permeating essence throughout our universe and all other universes. It is the one and the only without companions. It created us and it is us. Everyone/everything emanates from God and is its manifestation. God is both deistic and personal. It can appear as man on earth, Buddha, Jesus, etc. It also created all the demi-gods that govern us. That's why each people have patheon of their gods.
God is playful, curious, creative and expansive in nature. That’s why the universe is ever expanding and filled with infinite varieties and possibilities. However, God always creates things in pairs, i.e., good and evil, creation and destruction, yin and yan. It is only through contrast that we can experience and know the world.
God is pure intelligence, pure light and highest wisdom. It is the ultimate knowledge we seek that will free us and return us to the source.
God is bliss, eternal peace and love. Throughout the ever expanding and infinite universe, it is through love that God bounds us together, and draws us onto itself upon our physical dissolution. Thus, we have nothing to fear, as we eternally stand with God in our everlasting recurring experiential knowledge-gathering journeys.
Man is created by God and is God at the same time. Like the creator, man is also trinity in nature: body, mind and spirit. Physical body is a vehicle that man uses to gather experiential knowledge and to perfect his soul. Man’s soul transmigrates from body to body in reincarnations to gather multiple experiences, so as to evolve upward. Once all the lessons are learned and soul has been perfected, no more reincarnation is needed and man becomes pure spirit (atman) and returns to the source (God). That's Nirvana/Moksha.
Earth is a lower realm where matter is dense and past memory is erased. It is here that we face the biggest challenges and learn and grow the most. Thus it is the most important link in soul’s evolutionary journey. Our goal in this earthly life is to rediscover our true spiritual nature and find God through our ordeals and tireless searching. It is crucial for our souls’ ultimate wellbeing that we do the right things in this life. If we fail the test, our soul cannot progress, and even regress to lower realms, i.e., hell, etc.
Full detailed knowledge of spiritual realms is beyond human comprehension and capacity, and is not in human’s responsibility/need to know. However, we should know some basic principles regarding spirituality in order for us to lead a constructive and moral life benefitting our souls’ evolution:
Know God exists, know we exist, know our true nature as spiritual;
Love God, love self, love our neighbors as ourselves, as we are one;
Accept the world and ourselves as perfect, cherish now;
Do not judge others, but do our own good deeds, let go of ego;
Instead of seeking without, go deep within, for God resides wherein;
Use our full God-given potential to experience, to create, to enjoy life, as co-creators with God.
Om so hum!!!
Epilogue
The veil is getting thin, letting in the divine light, finally! The cycle is coming into an end, and we are approaching a new era. Keep faith and don't give up hope, since after the darkest night, the dawn of Golden Age is upon the turn of the corner!
Blessed is mankind!