真正的成功（四）
成功和心理健康
2013年5月6日，我们 Fremont 校区一位11年级亚裔女生，从金门大桥跳下，结束了自己风华正茂的17岁。
生前，她曾是“成功”的典范: 网球明星，全A的成绩... 就连别的优等生12年级入围就已经很骄傲的 Intel International Science Fair，她还是遥遥领先，10年级就已经进入决赛。
葬礼那天，一群穿着黑衣的青少年互相搀扶着看她入土的情景，永远留在我脑海里。重到滴出来的忧伤，和她们青春的面庞格格不入。所有“成功”，在死亡面前毫无意义。
一个月后，四百多位同校家长聚在学校礼堂，听自杀干预专家的讲座。问答时间，一位亚裔家长就很难拿到Ａ的一门数学课质问校长，“万一因此我的孩子毕业时得不到 Valedictorian 的殊荣该多不公平？”居然得到部分家长的掌声。
身在硅谷，想找个父母没读过研究生院的家庭都难，对“教育”的高度重视确实是我们社区的标签。但一位全Ａ的孩子刚刚自杀，有的家长还一门心思盯着自己孩子的成绩。需要发生什么悲剧才能把他们震醒呢？
研究表明，90%死于自杀的人有精神健康疾患，而有精神健康问题的青少年中只有 18-25%会寻求治疗。
２０１４年春季，跨文化基金会主办了题为“对成功的定义如何影响到心理健康”的青少年征文比赛。来自７８所高中的 242 名学生写下了自己的经历或者观察。作为评委之一，我深受感动和启发。很多学生生动地记录了家庭和同伴的压力如何在入高中后，在他们世界观开始形成的阶段，主导着他们对“成功”的定义。
“一入高中，压力就铺天盖地。我得上ＳＡＴ补习班，拿ＡＰ课，展示领导能力，学音乐，搞体育，做社区服务，还得说外语。最要命的是我得做到所有这一切里最棒的，才能打败其他同学，拿着最高的奖学金去上最棒的大学，将来拿到最好的工作，过最好的生活，这样才能晒给全世界我有最棒的妈妈，养了我这个最棒的孩子。。。这些压力让我的自尊和自信跌到谷底，焦虑到顶，想到该做的任何事都恐惧。(Once I reached high school, the pressure came crashing down. I had to take SAT classes, I had to take AP classes, I had to show leadership, play music, play sports, do community service, and speak another language. But I had to be the BEST at all of these, so I could beat out all the other kids and get into the best college and get all the best scholarships and get the best job that would give me the best life so I could show the world that I had the best mom who raised the best kid. … My self-esteem and confidence were low. …. My worry grew to an extreme level, which made me prone to anxiety attacks when I thought of and feared all the things I had to do. -- M. Y., Silver Creek High School)”
“在学校需要表现完美的压力一年前开始让我丧失理智。同学们都超负荷地同时修５到６门ＡＰ课，然后对做不到的嗤之以鼻。我怕被人看不起，那样我会自己看不起自己，所以就逼着自己像他们一样选课。结果几个月下来我都很少睡觉，有时是熬夜学习，有时是焦虑得睡不着。到后来作业老交不上。。。我绝望地想逃离这个必须保持'完美'的责任。(The pressure to be perfect at school began to plague my rationality a year ago. Students at my school overloaded themselves with five to six AP classes and would talk down to those who didn’t. My fear of being looked down upon by my peers, by myself, drove me to doing the same. For months I would barely sleep at night, either from staying up to study or the relentless anxiety about failing. I felt behind in everything I was committed to … I was desperate to escape from the responsibilities of maintaining a perfect life.)” -- L. K., Dougherty Valley High School)
“搓成一团的纸，睁不开的眼睛，疯狂地喝着带咖啡因的绿茶。我把成功定义成全Ａ的成绩单和标准考试高分时，曾经以为这些都是最终成功必不可少的成分。（Crumpled papers, droopy eyelids, and insane amounts of caffeinated green tea. These were the factors I once thought made up the ingredients for ultimate success, which at the time consisted of a transcript of A’s and strong standardized test scores.-- K. L. S.，Northgate High School)”
一位学生记录了自己从１０年级初对学校和学习充满热情到一年内憎恶学习的转变：“１０年级之前，我每天盼着上学… 但那一切都改变了，就是从我化学课上得的那个Ｄ开始的 - 从此我的重心就从学习美妙的科学知识秒变成疯狂地提高成绩。很快，所有的教育都变味了。一月和六月成绩单上齐刷刷的Ａ成了我活着的唯一目标…这种压力让我不但鄙视学校，还延伸到恨恶整个世界。(Before I began sophomore year, I was an enthusiastic student who looked forward to school … That all changed, however, after I kicked the year off with a D in AP Chemistry - my focus went from learning the wonders of science to frantically trying to raise my grade. Soon after, education became a drag. … I had begun to live for the sole sake of seeing crisp, printed A’s running down my report card come January and June. … The stress had built up to the point where I detested school, and hated doing things in general.)”
我很佩服那些敏锐的高中生，在观察和经历中发现: “所有这些痛苦中有一个公分母，那就是对失败的恐惧。(I couldn’t properly count the amount of times I questioned how I had gotten to this point (suicide attempt)… I knew that there was a common denominator to it all: my personal fear of failure. -- L. K., Dougherty Valley High School) ”
因为这个恐惧，有谁敢去挑战现有理论呢？
而勇于挑战现有理论的勇气，不是社会进步的前提，还有那些名校寻找的品质吗？
如果在高中时就开始害怕失败，甚至让这种恐惧控制自己，”成功”从何谈起呢？
我们的学校在传授知识的同时，有没有教孩子更重要的生活教训，比如挫折承受力，如何处理焦虑，如何感恩？
在家里我们有没有讨论过，每个人都各有恩赐，拿爬树的能力去评价一条鱼是不逻辑的？
我们有没有让孩子看到，如何面对“生活中的不完美”，如何从失败中吸取教训，如何正确地待人接物，比代数方程式和经济理论还重要？
我们有没有帮孩子学以致用，提高对学习的兴趣，为一生旺盛的求知欲打下基石？
青少年在了解自己，了解周围世界的过程中充满着幻想，尝试，和错误。看到很多参赛者在家人和朋友的帮助下，逐步发现如果不照顾好自己的心理健康，“成功”就根本不存在; 在意识到心理健康的重要性后，摸索到了如何去平衡时，我深受鼓舞。
“高中之初，成功辖制着我的心理健康。但经历风雨之后，现在我的心理健康比起’成功’有绝对主权。成功不再是做到最好，而是能在生活中处处找到幸福的能力。(In the beginning of my high school experience, success dictated my mental health. However, after my experiences, my mental health now dictates my success. I no longer look at success as striving to be the best, but instead, I look at what makes me happy. … If I can be happy through life’s experiences, I have succeeded. --L. F., Dozier-Libbey Medical High School)”
“我曾经以为成功就是达到自己的目标，但它让我在达不到目标时丧失勇气。现在我终于了解，成功是无论环境如何恶劣，自己还能奋进的力量。这个定义让我可以在不同的情况下考验自己的表现，一生保持积极的心态。(I used to think that reaching my goal is the way I define success. However, this method of defining success became discouraging when I failed to reach my goals. As a result, I decided to define success as the strength to continue to do my best under circumstances where I am least comfortable. This definition allows me to evaluate my performance depending on different situations. In addition, this flexibility enables me to maintain a positive mindset throughout my life. -- C. M. C., Lowell High School)”
“与其继续把成功设立为让妈妈为我骄傲，不如去寻找自己的目标和热爱。我需要经常提醒自己，我的生命不只是去实现妈妈的期望。如果我对成功的定义是建设一个更健康快乐的世界，那第一步就是先建造一个更健康快乐的自己。(Instead of seeing my goal as “pleasing Mom”, I’m trying to find my own goals and passions in life. .. It’s really difficult, trying to remind myself that my life is not all about reaching my mom’s expectations. .. Moving my life’s spotlight from my mom to me is a slow work in progress, but it’s getting somewhere. … And if my definition of success now is building a healthy, happy world, I have to start by building a healthy, happy “me” first. -- M. Y., Silver Creek High School) “
“没有最好的，永远也不会有。我曾经用来衡量自己价值的标准永远也不可能全面定义我整个人。成绩单，ＳＡＴ，奖杯和奖状不能代表我，排名和上次数学考试错了几道题也不能代表我。只把自己看作是和别人相比的参数就太小看我了。 (There is no best and there never will be; the standards by which I had been measuring my worth are boundaries that cannot contain all that I am. I am not limited to my imperfect GPA or standardized test scores or the number of trophies and certificates that I own. I am not defined by how many people I rank above or how many problems I solved incorrectly on my latest math test. I am so much more than a comparison to others. -- C. R., Alhambra High School)”
2009年斯坦福大学的挑战成功 (Challenge Success) 机构列出了帮助孩子们取得真正成功的建议，比如减低表现的压力，避免课业和活动过重，找到自己的热爱，保留放松时间和全家相处时间等，在这些征文中屡见共鸣。
世界卫生组织对心理健康的定义是“个人能够实现自己潜能，舒缓生活中的压力，有效率地工作，为社区做贡献的状态” (a state of well-being which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community - WHO)。
那不是我们对所有下一代的希望吗？
(待续)