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孩子,你怎么舍得这样离开?

 

孩子,你怎么舍得这样离开?

 

 

It was beautiful as long as it lasted

 

The journey of my life.

 

I have no regrets whatsoever

 

Save the pain I’ll leave behind

 

Those dear hearts who love and care…

 

And the strings pulling at the heat and soul…

 

The strong arms that held me up

 

When my own strength let me down.

 

At every turning of my life I came across good friends,

 

Friends who stood by me,

 

Even when the time raced me by.

 

 

       一首优美的诗,却在葬礼上,唱给了年仅17岁的你。

 

 

       金门大桥,也许真的象 << The Bridge>> 中记录的那样,平均每15天就会有人从上面跳下,是世界上最吸引自杀的地方可谁会想到,201356日,会是你,老师和朋友眼中的“天之骄子”。

 

 

    网球明星,全A的成绩,SAT 2400...  就连别的优12年级入围就已经很骄傲的 Intel International Science Fair,你还是遥遥领先,10年级就已经进入决赛。

 

 

    所有的奖杯,老师的肯定,所有同学仰视,所有一切你曾为之付出的努力,原来都如此无力,挽留不住你跨出的最后一步?

 

 

Farewell, farewell, my friends

 

I smile and bid you goodbye.

 

No, shed no tears for I need them not

 

All I need is your smile.

 

 

 

       5月11日,静寂的 Irvington Memorial 墓园,上百位同学,老师,家长为送别, 没有一位能“smile”

 

 

       灿烂的阳光遮盖不住黑衣上承载的悲痛,反而更映照出大家眼中的疑惑和绝望。

 

 

       当一束束洁白的鲜花落在你的棺木上,“咚咚”的声音好象在敲门,试图唤醒沉睡的你。

 

 

       孩子,你真地就这样离开了吗?

 

 

        你看到我们止不住的泪水了吗?

 

 

         你看到爸爸妈妈的沉默了吗?

 

 

         葬礼的第二天本应该是你出生后妈妈庆祝的第17个母亲节,可从此这个节日会是妈妈心中永远的痛。

 

 

         你呀呀学语,蹒跚学步的日子好象就在昨天你在球场驰骋,和妹妹谈笑风生,好象就在今天。可你让父母如何去面对没有了你的明天?

 

 

         一年后的毕业典礼,你,永远缺席。

 

 

         永远不会披上婚纱,让骄傲又不舍的爸爸把你交到爱人的手臂里。

 

 

        永远不会尝到做母亲的欣喜。

 

        …

 

 

        是的,人生是有冷风和苦雨,不会永远象全A的成绩单一样亮丽。

 

 

        可这样的经历后,才会看到彩虹;胜利,才更有意义。

 

 

        况且还有早春的阳光,深秋的红叶,大海,雪山,音乐....  那么多的人爱你。

 

 

        孩子,你怎么舍得这么早就选择放弃?

 

 

 

         66日,四百多位家长聚在学校礼堂,听自杀干预专家的讲座。你看到那些爸爸妈妈眼中的疑惑和恐惧了吗?

 

 

       “为什么?”

 

 

      每一位父母都想知道答案。

 

 

    “不是有问题的孩子才会走向绝路吗?”

 

 

     “为什么会是你?”

 

 

    唯一知道答案的却留下灿烂的微笑,选择这样突然地离

 

 

      孩子,你累了吗?这么多爱你的肩膀随时供你倚靠。

 

 

 

      孩子,你厌倦了吗?这么年轻,只要你愿意,随时可以选择不同的道路,有后悔的权力。

 

 

      采访从金门大桥跳下但为数不多的survivors,发现他/她们在空中的那一瞬间都意识到自己一直以为不能改变的困境,其实都是可以解决的问题

 

 

       可孩子,从桥上到水面仅仅75米的距离,时速75英里的冲击,短短4秒钟,跳下,你就放弃了自己后悔的权力。

 

 

       孩子,再一次机会,你一定会发现:

 

 

       再多的烦恼,都会随时间在谈笑间散去;

 

 

        再大的难题,换个角度看,也只是磨炼自己意志的插曲。

 

 

         而过去的精彩,还可以在未来继续。

 

 

          多么希望,你不是用这种方式为社区敲响警钟,让家长看到青少年在生活中处理问题和心理承受力与学习成绩不成正比。

 

 

If you feel sad do think of me

 

For that’s what I’ll like when you live in the hearts

 

Of those you love, remember then

 

You never die.

 

 

 

     孩子,所有问题的最好答案真的只能藏在墓园的静寂

 

 

(2013628日,Fremont, CA)

 

 

 

后记:

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 数据美国每年平均至少30,000人自杀身亡,其中4,000左右年龄在24岁以下。

 

附上美国学校心理学会 (National Association of School Psychologists) 总结的相关文章。

Preventing Youth Suicide: Tips for Parents and Educators

By Andrea Cohn, NCSP
Howard County (MD) Public Schools

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among youth between 10 and 19 years of age. However, suicide is preventable. Youth who are contemplating suicide frequently give warning signs of their distress. Parents, teachers, and friends are in a key position to pick up on these signs and get help. Most important is to never take these warning signs lightly or promise to keep them secret. When all adults and students in the school community are committed to making suicide prevention a priority — and are empowered to take the correct actions — we can help youth before they engage in behavior with irreversible consequences.

Suicide Risk Factors

Certain characteristics are associated with increased suicide risk. These include:

  • Mental illness including depression, conduct disorders, and substance abuse
  • Family stress/dysfunction
  • Environmental risks, including presence of a firearm in the home
  • Situational crises (i.e., traumatic death of a loved one, physical or sexual abuse, family violence, etc.)

Suicide Warning Signs

Many suicidal youth demonstrate observable behaviors that signal their suicidal thinking. These include:

  • Suicidal threats in the form of direct and indirect statements
  • Suicide notes and plans
  • Prior suicidal behavior
  • Making final arrangements (e.g., making funeral arrangements, writing a will, giving away prized possessions)
  • Preoccupation with death
  • Changes in behavior, appearance, thoughts and/or feelings

What to Do

Youth who feel suicidal are not likely to seek help directly; however, parents, school personnel, and peers can recognize the warning signs and take immediate action to keep the youth safe. When a youth gives signs that he or she may be considering suicide, the following actions should be taken:

  • Remain calm.
  • Ask the youth directly if he or she is thinking about suicide.
  • Focus on your concern for their wellbeing and avoid being accusatory.
  • Listen.
  • Reassure them that there is help and they will not feel like this forever.
  • Do not judge.
  • Provide constant supervision. Do not leave the youth alone.
  • Remove means for self-harm.
  • Get help: Peers should not agree to keep the suicidal thoughts a secret and instead should tell an adult, such as a parent, teacher, or school psychologist. Parents should seek help from school or community mental health resources as soon as possible. School staff should take the student to the designated school mental health professional or administrator.

The Role of the School in Suicide Prevention

Children and adolescents spend a substantial part of their day in school under the supervision of school personnel. Effective suicide and violence prevention is integrated with supportive mental health services, engages the entire school community, and is embedded in a positive school climate through student behavioral expectations and a trustful student/adult relationship. Therefore, it is crucial for all school staff to be familiar with and watchful for risk factors and warning signs of suicidal behavior. The entire school staff should work to create an environment where students feel safe sharing such information. School psychologists and other crisis team personnel, including the school counselor and school administrator, are trained to intervene when a student is identified at risk for suicide. These individuals conduct suicide risk assessment, warn/inform parents, provide recommendations and referrals to community services, and often provide follow-up counseling and support at school.

Parent Notification and Participation

Parent notification is a vital part of suicide prevention. Parents need to be informed and actively involved in decisions regarding their child’s welfare. Even if a child is judged to be at low risk for suicidal behavior, schools should ask parents to sign a Notification of Emergency Conference form to indicate that relevant information has been provided. These notifications must be documented. Additionally, parents are crucial members of a suicide risk assessment as they often have information critical to making an appropriate assessment of risk, including mental health history, family dynamics, recent traumatic events, and previous suicidal behaviors.

After a school notifies a parent of their child’s risk for suicide and provides referral information, the responsibility falls upon the parent to seek mental health assistance for their child. Parents must:

  • Continue to take threats seriously. Follow-through is important even after the child calms down or informs the parent “they didn’t mean it.” Avoid assuming behavior is attention seeking.
  • Access school supports. If parents are uncomfortable with following through on referrals, they can give the school psychologist permission to contact the referral agency, provide referral information, and follow up on the visit. The school can also assist in providing transportation to get the parent and child to the referral agency.
  • Maintain communication with the school. After such an intervention, the school will also provide follow-up supports. Parent communication will be crucial to ensuring that the school is the safest, most comfortable place for their child.

Resiliency Factors

The presence of resiliency factors can lessen the potential risks that lead to suicidal ideation and behaviors. Once a child or adolescent is considered at risk, schools, families, and friends should work to build these protective factors in and around the youth. These include:

  • Family support and cohesion, including good communication
  • Peer support and close social networks
  • School and community connectedness
  • Cultural or religious beliefs that discourage suicide and promote healthy living
  • Adaptive coping and problem-solving skills, including conflict-resolution
  • General life satisfaction, good self-esteem, sense of purpose
  • Easy access to effective medical and mental health resources

 

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评论

予微的头像
 #

好伤感,好痛心的事实!多谢心桥敲响警钟,父母师长都不能疏忽孩子的感受。

 
心桥的头像
 #

听到这个噩耗到现在7个星期,我一静下来就忍不住想到她,泪水还是止不住。周围的家长也都在思考: 到底我们的教育出了什么偏差?

 
玉山峰的头像
 #

白髮送黑髮人,多難過啊,多保重!願孩子們能少上網,多談心.

 
心桥的头像
 #

生前从未谋面,她的突然离世对我的震动都这么大;更不能想象她父母所承受的痛苦。我们确实要在重视孩子学业成绩的同时,更强调他/她们的心理健康。

 
天地一弘的头像
 #

也许所有的问题都隐藏在孩子的心里,情感和心理的脆弱导致一霎的失控,只是,如果以生命做代价的失控,会是终身的悲剧,可是,有些时候,人的心理是永远看不穿的,只有坚强活下去,才是美好的,管他ABCD。

 
心桥的头像
 #

2003年的文章“Jumpers”采访从金门大桥跳下后为数不多的幸存者,发现他/她们在空中的那一瞬间都后悔自己的选择了, 才发现一直以为不能改变的难题和困境,其实都没什么大不了,都可以补救。成人尚且摆脱不了一时的冲动,更何况涉世未深的少年?但4妙钟的时间,再幸运也只能做到改变落水的姿势,至少伤残。所以自杀的预防,还是要从小从心理承受力,感恩的心态和幸福感的培养做起。

 
雨林的头像
 #

感谢心桥写出这样的痛。让大家更加重视心理健康的话题。

 
心桥的头像
 #

这7个星期我一静下来提起笔就想到她,没办法写任何其它题目。但尊重她父母的意见,等到学校和其他家长讨论完这件事后再发表。这对任何教育工作者都是最沉重的话题:生命没了,任何成绩都是没有意义的。

 
海云的头像
 #

怎么又来了一启?那年我在加州住的最后一年,我们住的小城接二连三发生这样的悲剧,每次听到都心痛难当,青少年忧郁症应当引起重视!

 
心桥的头像
 #

这三个月为“跨文化基金会”主办的青少年“精神健康”征文比赛做评委,上百位来自湾区数十所高中孩子的心声让我们痛,震憾又感动。近65%主题是学业/社交压力下产生的抑郁和焦虑,其中好几位都是秋季要入读斯坦福等名校的皎皎者。大多数都谈到直到自己崩溃了才发现问题所在。如果整个社区不重视孩子的心理素质培养,这种悲剧还会继续发生。

 
春阳的头像
 #

真是令人痛心。。。所以保持和孩子们的沟通最重要。少一点责备,多一点理解。

 
心桥的头像
 #

是的,亲子之间的尊重,信任和健康的交流,是对这种悲剧最踏实管用的预防。

 
牧童歌谣的头像
 #

临睡前看到心桥老师这篇文章,心痛,震惊,怎么会这样? 可怜的孩子,你就这样走了吗?

 
鐡手的头像
 #

娇艳的生命之花还未及绽放就凋零了,非常可惜!青少年的心理健康非常重要,理解心桥博士工作的重要性。

 
心桥的头像
 #

感谢铁手的关心。最近看到国内多次报导高考失利的孩子自杀,有一位甚至是不能接受现实的父亲试图带着孩子一起自杀,真让人心痛。孩子世界观还在形成的过程中是很脆弱的。

 
Sujuan的头像
 #

太可惜了。本人在过去五年内参加过二起青少年自杀的葬礼,一个二十二岁,一个二十八岁,都是花样年华,都各有各的理由结束生命。两家的父母从这件事中完全改变了他们的生命,相信这辈子都要面对无数的为什么和无边无垠的哀痛,任何生日节日,看到同龄的孩子,这种哀伤要一次又一次地排山倒海重复而来。其中一个母亲对我说,她因参加了一个斯坦福医院专门为自杀死亡家庭组织的支持哀伤团队(bereavement support group)后,心情才最终回转,因为不仅仅她一家忍受这样的惨痛•••,最终她自己也加入这个自愿者队伍帮助别的家庭因亲人自杀而痛不欲生。她说:女儿的死多少化为对他人的祝福,让她自己在经沧桑历苦海后还能笑出声来,还能帮助别人!记住,她和先生结婚很晩,只有这个女儿。我毎每想起这两位母亲都忍不住流泪,同时看着自己的三个孩子,总忘不了感恩和求神带领所有的孩子能走正当的人生之道,有喜乐有平安••••

谢谢心桥分享。为这家父母祷告,求神的慈爱能够抚摸他们的创伤,鼓励他们接受帮助!

 
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