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如何培养孩子的自主性 How to Empower Your Children to Learn and Grow

Observation

Lanna is 7+ years. She started to learn violin when she was 6 years. Recently she moved to a new school and had a new violin teacher-Ms Ross.  Ms Ross thinks she is doing well and decided to teach her new pieces.  So Lanna brought home two new pieces Ms Ross just taught her today and let her practice at home.

As a start, her new teacher instructed that she can practice 10 minutes a day and 5 days a week.

After dinner, when she settled down, her parent started to help her practice the two new pieces she just learned at the day. So Lanna started to practice the two new pieces, and became frustrated. As a result, she wanted to do something else, such as decorating her music book, rather than practice the new pieces.  She even turned to lose her calmness and temper, and started to shout that she did not want to practice. Her parent was very mindful and quickly identified that it was due to her frustration and incompetent in playing the new pieces that she would not like to practice. So her parent used a number of strategies, rather than automatically react to her temper and command her to practice.

First, the parent stepped into her shoes, and made effort to understand her, rather than judging her or critising her. The parent showed that they understood the difficulty to learn new pieces and frustration while not mastering them, and told her it is all right to have that feeling. Second, the parent observed how Lanna can calm down, and the parent noticed that when they told her Ms Ross said she can play both her old pieces and new pieces. She became settled down. What was more interesting was that not only Lanna’s frustration and temper has gone but she became happy and active in choosing how to practice. she developed a number of ways to practice. She chose four pieces which she plays well and the two new pieces to play in a roll. And then she put these six pieces into different orders to play. She played slow pieces together and fast pieces together. She played light and happy pieces together and heavy pieces separately. After all these she became very active and initiative in practicing violin that night. As a matter of fact she would not stop practicing violin. Her parent had to ask her to stop the work and go to bed.

Lesson

Parent should always be mindful of children’s behaviors and causes underneath the behaviors. Empathise with the children, step into their children’s shoes, make effort to understand their children, rather than see their children with their own perspective and experiences. Actively listen and respect their children’s emotions and frustration.  Help their children emotionally and psychologically to calm down, reduce their frustration and stress, only then children can be reasonable. It is very difficult to be rationale when people have strong emotions or feeling frustrated. Try to find out the triggers, including triggers for frustration and temper and triggers to behave calmly, cooperatively and happily. Start to work with children by focusing on their strength, rather than be judgmental and critical. Give children choices and let them make decisions and take initiatives. Work with them, not work for them. Let them in charge of their study and life with some risk taking to the best of their capability.

如何培养孩子的自主性

案列

lanna小朋友7岁多。从六岁开始学校小提琴。lanna最近换了新学校和新的小弹琴老师-罗斯老师。在今天的小提琴课上,罗斯老师认为lanna可以学习新曲子了,就教了lanna两首新曲子,作为这个星期的练习内容。放学回家后,lanna带回了这两首新曲子练习。

作为开始,罗斯老师布置的家庭作业是每天练习10分钟,一星期练习五次。当天晚饭后,lanna安顿后,lanna父亲开始帮lanna练习新的曲子。新曲子刚刚练了两遍,lanna开始表现出烦躁,不愿意练习,而想做别的事情。并且有点不冷静,要发脾气。父亲观察到了lanna的这一系列情绪和行为反应,及时判断是由于最近转学,换了新老师,而且又是当天刚刚学的新曲子等等压力和焦虑,导致lLanna产生这样的情绪和行为反应。这时,父亲没有用简单的情绪反应来喝止和命令lanna来练习,而是用了几个策略来帮助lanna平复情绪,恢复冷静和理智,共同寻找解决办法。

首先,父亲努力站在Lanna的角度,设身处地的从lanna的角度思考,努力尝试理解她,而不是简单的下结论和批评她。父亲表示非常理解lanna的心情和情绪,遇到困难觉得很难受很正常,把情绪表达出来是好事情。第二,父亲留心观察,并且注意到,当告诉她罗斯老师说她可以既练习新学的曲子,也可以练习以前学习的曲子时,Lanna的情绪开始平复下来。有意思的是,lanna焦虑和失控的情绪开始消失了。她开始发明一些办法练习,她找出了四首她喜欢,也拉的比较好的曲子,和两首新学的曲子轮流练习;然后再把它们分组,快的曲子一组,慢的曲子一组分开练习,再把欢快的曲子和抒情的曲子分开练习。这样反反复复,不愿意停下来了。爸爸妈妈必须要劝她,她才停下来练习。

总结

家长需要用心观察孩子的情绪和行为表现和变化,要思考这些行为背后的原因。要同情孩子,要设身处地地,站在孩子地角度观察,思考,想象孩子情绪和行为的原因,努力理解孩子。切忌简单,武断的从自己成年人的角度,经验和自以为是来指责孩子。用心,认真仔细倾听孩子,同情,理解,尊重孩子,尤其当孩子遇到挫折,困难的时候,更需要父母的同情,理解,尊重和无条件的支持。帮助孩子减低和克服焦虑和压力。帮助孩子建立冷静,理性的思想,情绪和行为模式。观察哪些因素和事件会引发孩子情绪失控和行为失当。哪些因素和事件会让孩子冷静,理性,愉快,原意合作,情绪表达健康有益,行为得体,自主自动。父母要把注意力集中在孩子的优点和强项上,以此为起点,建立孩子的自尊,自信,从而在学习和生活中更积极主动。在孩子的能力范围内,给孩子创造机会自主选择,自主决策。在孩子的能力范围内孩子的学习,生活由孩子自己管理。和孩子一起做事情,而尽量不要完全替孩子做。给孩子机会冒险,允许孩子犯错。

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