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翻译习作,高手请指点

这是我最新大型中篇小说开头几段的试译草稿:

 

青伢子长着一个方方的脸庞。他的肩膀宽厚,手掌也宽厚。从他的脸相、手相、身相等等看,他都是一个十足宽厚的人。

凌晨,青伢子和树上那几只鸟儿起得一样早。他起这么早,其实和那几只鸟儿无关,而是和爷爷有关。爷爷快奔一百去了,虽然说身体不大听使唤了,脑子还是管用的。爷爷早早就醒过来,一醒过来,似乎就会想起来什么伤心、苦痛的事,青伢子总听到他在叹气,甚至呻吟。
有一次,青伢子忍不住问父亲,爷爷怎么这么伤心。“唉,”父亲叹口气,说:“你爷爷跟着毛主席打了半辈子的仗,几次没死成。当年被你爷爷救起的人,现在都当了部队里的高官了,可你爷爷,一直什么都不是。这都不说,文革的时候还被揪出去游街。”

打仗,那是多久以前的事了;文革也过去将近半个世纪了。青伢子是七十年代晚些时候出生的,对文革,他没有切身的经历;有的,都是听人说的。每次看着床上躺着的爷爷,他都会感到爷爷太了不起,命太硬了。爷爷经历了两个五十年。前一个五十年,刀光剑影;后一个,就是文革的风风雨雨了……换成是自己,大概早就蒸发了吧!


Qing Yazi had a square face. His shoulders were wide, palms wide as well. If you would believe in palm reading or how the shape of one’s face and body defines one’s characteristics, then you would believe that Qing Yazi was a very generous and kind person.

Early this morning, Qing Yazi got up as early as the birds on the tree.  Well, that did not mean that his early up had anything to do with those birds, but, it did have something to do with his grandpa. Grandpa was getting on for 100. Although his body had become a lot less cooperate, his brain still worked quite well.  Grandpa usually woke up early.  Once waken up, something sad and bitter would seemingly crawl over to his mind, because Qing Yazi would hear him sigh or even groan.

On one occasion, Qing Yazi asked his father: Why Grandpa is so sad?  "Well," his father sighed, and said, "Your grandfather had followed Chairman Mao to fight the battles for half of his life, in many of them he nearly died.  For those who had been rescued by your grandpa, many of them are generals now, and your grandpa is still nobody.  What is more, he was pulled out to parade on the streets for criticism during the Cultural Revolution. ”

War, that's long time ago; even the Cultural Revolution was nearly over half a century. Qing Yazi was born in the late 70 's.  He came to know the Cultural Revolution only through other people’s mouth.  He was amazed by his grandfather each time when he saw him lying on the bed. Grandpa is truly great and his life is truly tough:  He has lived through two 50 years. The first 50 years, swords, and the latter one is the ups and downs of the Cultural Revolution… If it were for Yazi himself, his body probably would have been nowhere to find!

 

梦想成真:首部英文小说集出版发行


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评论

逍遥号的头像
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学习

 
虔谦的头像
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问候逍遥号!互相学习:)

 
海云的头像
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刚看到这篇,我只说第一段哈,有了if,就不需要then, “宽厚”翻的也不准确,用generouse 不如用humble。也是我儿子对我翻译常说的那种话:语法可能没什么错,但一看就是外国人写的英文。Cool 所以,他的建议是,不要翻译,直接用英文写可能更好。

 

 
虔谦的头像
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谢谢海云指出,真的,虽然在美国人堆里时间不短了,还是不行。

 
杭州阿立的头像
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跟着海云的留言,刚看到这篇文章。先问虔谦新年好!

俺也来加点儿酱油,也只是第一段:‘defines’ 可能还是 ‘reveals’ 确切点?

 
虔谦的头像
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有道理。谢谢阿立指教!

 
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